"And if I perish...I perish"

"Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the King, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16

Have you ever marveled at the courage Esther had? I have, especially recently. Sometimes the Lord takes me through areas of growth which I have recently referred to as my "Esther moments." Actually, most of us have had them, and, if you have not, you will sometime in your life. These "Esther moments" come in the form of serious decisions. For me, they are not a question of life or death, but rather obedience or disobedience. Or, even harder, a good decision, or a better decision. It seems as if each summer the Lord takes me through one of these Esther moments. Last summer I had to make a decision that affected a lot of people around me and my future. This summer proves to be no different. He does not simply just guide me towards a blatant answer that is clear, concise, and predictable. He desires me to grow in my faith and my abandonment to Him. So, like last summer, I believe that I will have to act according to my measure of faith, rather than the surety of my decision. If you have ever read the account of Esther, you know that her decision was not one she could take lightly either. Her decision affected not only her, but also her people, and even her husband. Her faith exceeded that of her value for her life.

Think about your own "Esther moments." This past year, I have had several Esther moments. And, do you know what I have realized (again) in hindsight? The Lord goes before us! How many times have I doubted this? How many times have you doubted this? It is easy for me to believe that He is protecting me when things seem right, but when conflicts arise, all of the sudden my heart beats faster. “What if this happens? What will he/she say? Am I doing right? Maybe I should…” and the list goes on. It is questions like these that show how faithless my heart can be. The reason I refer to these intense moments as my “Esther moments,” is simply because of the amount of courage and faith it takes to walk blindly towards the edge. For me, the “edge” is always the result. It has a fifty/fifty chance of going one way or another (fall…or not fall). I am walking blindly, because I do not know the result. Esther too did not know the result of her addressing her husband and King without request. She did not know if her actions would save her people or bring them further destruction. She, however, probably had less of an even likelihood. But, the Lord went before her. The Lord, God of Israel, softened the King’s heart and whispered mercy into his mouth. Esther knew, even before going before the King, that she was risking her life. So many times I worry about my reputation, being a “good example” to my sisters and brothers in Christ and to non-believers. But Esther, she had so much more than a reputation to consider! She had her whole life seemingly dangling over that cliff! The courage and faith that she upheld truly humbles me. She was willing to take that step, break that law, and trust her God because of her faith in Him. I am positive that she was tempted to forget about this task. She most likely questioned her influence towards the King and considered this a lost cause. But, she trusted, and that is really all I need to know. She had faith, and she leaped. I want to be like that. I want to live in complete abandon to Christ. I want to act courageously for Him! So often some of my favorite hymns deal with the Christian being a soldier for Christ. My heart is so very willing, but my flesh is so very weak!

But, it is through these tough Esther moments that I am again reminded that our battle is already fought. We have already won. Period. So, if we have already won, then what have I to lose? My reputation? No! My self-worth? No! My value? No! No! My opportunities? No! My life? No, No, NO! As Paul says, “I must decrease and He must increase.” We are CALLED to live in complete surrender to Christ’s work. We are CALLED to live a life that does NOT seek our own comfort, our own pleasures and gains, or our own desires. We are CALLED to live a life that can be used up for Him! I am still realizing this, even after a year of my heart being burdened with this calling. We are not our own. We are not our own. Our life is not ours. My life is not my own. Esther knew this. Do you know it as well?

Consider your own Esther moments, when you were scared, worried, and at a loss for wisdom. What did you do? Has your faith exceeded that of your logic? Have you ever done something simply because you felt the presence of God pulling you towards it, even when logic, friends, and family seem to tell you differently? I want to have this faith. I want to live in total abandonment to Christ and His Kingdom. I long to live a courageous life like Esther. So, my question is this: If you were to make a decision according to the measure of your faith, would that make you faithful, or faithless?

Lady in Waiting