days like today...

"God is here with me during days like today." Tonight I am reminding myself of this. Lady in waiting is what I named this blog because of how I have felt for such a while, now - expectant of great things, willing for anything. Simmering.

Days like today are really hard. Nothing terrible has happened and nobody I love has gotten hurt...nothing bad has been directed towards my or my family or the people I love. Because of this, I get frustrated and think "why, then, do I have days like this where I am discontent, stressed, or worried?" It aggrivates me when I have no excuse for the emotions I have. I am also ashamed writing that, because it hurts to admit it.

Tonight I settled down in my big comfy chair, thinking about why I was not currently happy about all that God has done for me. I started listing off things: healthy and happy family, friends who encourage and love me, relationships that God has given me to serve Him through, a home, senior year of college, a great cooperating teacher. I could go on. But as I thought of these things, I was ashamed in that my head acknowledged those blessings, but my heart just wasn't feeling it. Why couldn't I be more thankful for where He has me instead of wishing for whatever I thought I needed more? So, I started another list- things that I had been praying for, but not yet been given an answer to: plans for after college, moving, missions in another country sometime in my life, marriage, teaching, summer plans. All of these things, I realized, were heavy on my heart and in my mind. They were distracting me from what God is doing in my life now; I was focused on planning for my future and dreaming about the possibilities instead of thinking about what I can do for Him now, in the present.

This is a struggle that I have dealt with for such a time. As a Sophomore I felt a calling towards missions and was ready to give up on college and go move somewhere and begin. As a Junior I felt disoriented with where I was - loving my dorm life with a great group of girls, but eager to start "real life" and prepare for what He wanted me to do after college (unsure about teaching). Now, as a senior, I feel as though I get glimpses of what my life will look like post-college. Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I do not. As I have said before, I have never been at ease with the typical sort of American life. I don't have a drive for success. I don't really care about money or keeping up with the neighbors. I really just want a simple life that reflects a submissive heart towards God's direction. Oh, wait...that isn't simple :-)

I want my life to be one of surrender. I want to be willing to act on the Holy Spirit's leading, I want to be willing to fight for Him, to love for Him, and to obey Him even when it hurts. Stemming from this, I don't want to do this alone. I will, if that is His plan for me. But He has much work to do on my heart if singleness is my calling. He may test me and lead me towards singlness, seeing if I am willing to sacrifice for His sake. I hope my heart will be pliable and submissive if that must happen. But, right now, I want a buddy. I want a partner to lead me in following our God.

So, tonight, as my grip on my mug o' tea loosened, I wondered. I explored the proccesses of my mind and tried to discover the root of my discontent. Lately, my thoughts have been skewed from "Lord, why me?" to "Lord, why not me?" Such a dangerous question of me to ask, but it is true. I have seen friends and family experience changes, new joys, experiences, and adventures as I sat back and continued with my education, not even being sure that teaching is what I wanted to do. As I see my peers making plans for post-college I feel left behind in some ways. I picture myself sitting in a chair as my friends and family's lives are played in fast forward before me. I am the only thing that is moving slowly, everyone else is speeding by. That is how I feel...left behind. Waiting for the puzzle pieces to align so that I can start gathering and placing and planning. Waiting on God to fix the edges so that I can start creating the center.

How wrong.

This is not what it means to wait on the Lord. Waiting does not mean to sit and watch everyone else plan and assume that I need to sit back and wait for God's message. Can you imagine what would have happened if Jesus had sat back and waited till the day of His cruxifiction? His ministry on earth wouldn't have happened. People would not have been healed or brought to salvation.

I suppose the struggle for me comes mostly from the simple fact that since I am still in college, my time is very limited. Especially since I am a senior and beginning the requirements for student teaching. I just don't have a lot of time, and I hate that. But, I also need to recognize that my seventh graders are my ministry right now. My friends at school are my ministry, and my family is my ministry. Even though I can't make meals for people on a regular basis, offer to babysit for low-income familes, start a middle school girl's Bible study,or help out in my church more, I can't forget that for right now, God has given me opportunities with people that I won't have once I graduate. I need reminding that my time here at school is not being wasted. Oh, do I need reminding of that. I have loved college and I love my brothers and sisters, and I even love the challenges of school and learning, but I suppose I am feeling very keenly that there is so much more. And I can't wait. But there, is where my feelings of discontent arrive. "How long, Lord? When will you tell me what you want from me? I will go and I am willing...but where? And when?"

These questions have made a home in the cavities of my heart. They are so much a part of me now, that I need only whisper "when" and I know that He is nodding His head and saying "soon, child. Wait."

Lady in Waiting