"God is here with me during days like today." Tonight I am reminding myself of this. Lady in waiting is what I named this blog because of how I have felt for such a while, now - expectant of great things, willing for anything. Simmering.
Days like today are really hard. Nothing terrible has happened and nobody I love has gotten hurt...nothing bad has been directed towards my or my family or the people I love. Because of this, I get frustrated and think "why, then, do I have days like this where I am discontent, stressed, or worried?" It aggrivates me when I have no excuse for the emotions I have. I am also ashamed writing that, because it hurts to admit it.
Tonight I settled down in my big comfy chair, thinking about why I was not currently happy about all that God has done for me. I started listing off things: healthy and happy family, friends who encourage and love me, relationships that God has given me to serve Him through, a home, senior year of college, a great cooperating teacher. I could go on. But as I thought of these things, I was ashamed in that my head acknowledged those blessings, but my heart just wasn't feeling it. Why couldn't I be more thankful for where He has me instead of wishing for whatever I thought I needed more? So, I started another list- things that I had been praying for, but not yet been given an answer to: plans for after college, moving, missions in another country sometime in my life, marriage, teaching, summer plans. All of these things, I realized, were heavy on my heart and in my mind. They were distracting me from what God is doing in my life now; I was focused on planning for my future and dreaming about the possibilities instead of thinking about what I can do for Him now, in the present.
This is a struggle that I have dealt with for such a time. As a Sophomore I felt a calling towards missions and was ready to give up on college and go move somewhere and begin. As a Junior I felt disoriented with where I was - loving my dorm life with a great group of girls, but eager to start "real life" and prepare for what He wanted me to do after college (unsure about teaching). Now, as a senior, I feel as though I get glimpses of what my life will look like post-college. Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I do not. As I have said before, I have never been at ease with the typical sort of American life. I don't have a drive for success. I don't really care about money or keeping up with the neighbors. I really just want a simple life that reflects a submissive heart towards God's direction. Oh, wait...that isn't simple :-)
I want my life to be one of surrender. I want to be willing to act on the Holy Spirit's leading, I want to be willing to fight for Him, to love for Him, and to obey Him even when it hurts. Stemming from this, I don't want to do this alone. I will, if that is His plan for me. But He has much work to do on my heart if singleness is my calling. He may test me and lead me towards singlness, seeing if I am willing to sacrifice for His sake. I hope my heart will be pliable and submissive if that must happen. But, right now, I want a buddy. I want a partner to lead me in following our God.
So, tonight, as my grip on my mug o' tea loosened, I wondered. I explored the proccesses of my mind and tried to discover the root of my discontent. Lately, my thoughts have been skewed from "Lord, why me?" to "Lord, why not me?" Such a dangerous question of me to ask, but it is true. I have seen friends and family experience changes, new joys, experiences, and adventures as I sat back and continued with my education, not even being sure that teaching is what I wanted to do. As I see my peers making plans for post-college I feel left behind in some ways. I picture myself sitting in a chair as my friends and family's lives are played in fast forward before me. I am the only thing that is moving slowly, everyone else is speeding by. That is how I feel...left behind. Waiting for the puzzle pieces to align so that I can start gathering and placing and planning. Waiting on God to fix the edges so that I can start creating the center.
How wrong.
This is not what it means to wait on the Lord. Waiting does not mean to sit and watch everyone else plan and assume that I need to sit back and wait for God's message. Can you imagine what would have happened if Jesus had sat back and waited till the day of His cruxifiction? His ministry on earth wouldn't have happened. People would not have been healed or brought to salvation.
I suppose the struggle for me comes mostly from the simple fact that since I am still in college, my time is very limited. Especially since I am a senior and beginning the requirements for student teaching. I just don't have a lot of time, and I hate that. But, I also need to recognize that my seventh graders are my ministry right now. My friends at school are my ministry, and my family is my ministry. Even though I can't make meals for people on a regular basis, offer to babysit for low-income familes, start a middle school girl's Bible study,or help out in my church more, I can't forget that for right now, God has given me opportunities with people that I won't have once I graduate. I need reminding that my time here at school is not being wasted. Oh, do I need reminding of that. I have loved college and I love my brothers and sisters, and I even love the challenges of school and learning, but I suppose I am feeling very keenly that there is so much more. And I can't wait. But there, is where my feelings of discontent arrive. "How long, Lord? When will you tell me what you want from me? I will go and I am willing...but where? And when?"
These questions have made a home in the cavities of my heart. They are so much a part of me now, that I need only whisper "when" and I know that He is nodding His head and saying "soon, child. Wait."
Lady in Waiting
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Observation: I hate to love to blog because I am no good at it
Since it has been almost a year since I have updated this thing, I thought I may as well just copy and paste an assignment for poetry class that I had...God has been so faithful to me. And, honestly, I have things I want to share on here, but I just need to do some tweaking. Time is not something I have a lot of these days...
Content, though. Happy and content.
Birds: too many poems about them. Should I even try?
During my oatmeal and coffee this morning (I admit, it was afternoon, but I feel funny that I have oatmeal and coffee as snacks during the day) I decided to sit and watch the birds hop around my backyard. It started as an easy enough sort of venture, me sipping, her pecking, me thinking “hey…birds…poetry” her craning her neck around the bird feeder for those minuscule little seeds that inspired the term “bird food.” I watched her call her friends to the buffet, yet nudge and budge them with her wings when they go too close to her plate. Sighing, I get up to get my notebook because I knew that the thoughts I was having weren’t going to stick with me (though I promised myself I wouldn’t forget). I started jotting, paused, and wrote some more. I watched. I listened. Birds are much like people, but have the advantage of escape.
Journal #2
“…the pillars still bore traces of where wrought-iron gates once hung. But the gates themselves had vanished long before I appeared on the scene to read meaning into their absence. Like iron gates and railings all over Britain, they were removed during WWII to be melted down and reforged into armament.”
Chris Arthur “(En)trance”
I would really love to write a poem about the iron gates that were melted down during WWII. I think it would be fun and challenging to write.
Journal #3
Braces. Pimples. Early bloomers. Late bloomers. Pretty boys. Boys whose voices have already changed. Nice boys. Boys whose moms still pick their clothing. Funny boys. Silly girls. Giggly girls. Nice girls. Shy girls. Girls who don’t think they are beautiful. Girls who reach out to the "outsiders."
Middle School.
I love it. I love everything about middle school kids, the way their sense of humor is developing, but so often channeled at inappropriate moments or the wrong people. I love the awkwardness of it all, the first flutter of crushes and the tell-tale signs of heartbreak.
Student: (giggling) “I agree with Nathan-N-iel (strokes hair) because he is right about the character's perspective” (more giggling/gazing at Nathaniel)
Nathaniel: (flips hair)
Me: “Okay. But what did YOU think? I heard what Nathaniel thought, but I want to know your thoughts.”
But, these kids are more than these stereotypes. In my classes, all of them are asking “am I capable?” All of them are asking “am I important?”
Sometimes all people see are braces, pimples, and laziness. Sometimes its hard to see the beauty.
Most middle school age students have engaged in some kind of sexual behavior before they reach 9th grade. Often, these students are given up on long before they are no longer moldable.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. It isn’t philosophical, poetic, or beautiful. It is just life. And, sometimes, life reeks of a normalcy that drives us towards apathy. Sometimes people give up and it is difficult to look at that and transform it into an inspirational life lesson.
Life is a lot like middle school, I think.
Journal #4
Bird-Flu: I think I have it.
When they peck the ground, it almost looks like they are trying to suck the life out of the earth, penetrating its skin
Which leads me to the question: do birds have tongues?
Come one-come all-drink of life’s wine
Their secret call, connect the dots from the sky
A single noise can create havoc. A surge will arise as the vibrating hum of their wings closes in towards the sky
Unity. Arrive together, leave together when alarmed. No bird left behind.
They arrive and leave with the sun, their mother. She draws them from slumber and lulls them to sleep until their chirping turns to dreaming (unless, of course, they sleep-chirp)
Journal #5
I have tried too many times to write about my grandmother’s death.
And I really loathe every work I produced.
Why is it that the things which seem to shape you the most are the hardest to write about? It is one of the most intimate details of my life, yet I can never seem to get it right. Why can’t I express in full what I felt and still feel? Why is it never enough? Maybe I am not supposed to get it right. Maybe that it is the point of these sort of life experiences. If I I keep producing things that, though not quiet exact, have an ounce of truth in them, then maybe one day I will have written it all. It will just be in pieces. A little here, a little there. Then, at the end, I would gather those few lines and assemble them into a unified and accurate image of what it was like.
Maybe I am supposed to keep writing. Maybe, that is the point.
Journal #6 An interesting writing assignment
Dr. Jones assigned us to list five, and only five, experiences in our life that we would want to include in our memoir. “When I…”
1. When I realized that my older brother and his friends finally considered me an equal playmate, comrade, and adventure-hunter, instead of just Albert’s corny little sister who can never seem to reach that first branch. *
*I have since become an expert tree-climber
2. When I visited Maine and fell in love with its toe-curling winter chills, salty lobster chowder (chowdah), and cliffs penetrating the seashore.
3. When I realized that the only type of “love and marriage” that I am interested in is the type where God comes first for both of us, and we are each other's "second." I want him to love God more than me and put Him before me. I want to love God more than him and put Him before him. I want us both to know that we could live without each other, but, for some glorious reason, God gave us to each other. I just want a partner to do this Christian life with and to help along the way. I would also like to be friends and do things like go to books-a-million to read and drink coffee, go horseback riding/hiking/camping, play scrabble, and watch documentaries and go to bed early. Flannel is a must, for both of us.
4. When I realized that I don’t really care for the typical life of middle class comfort. I kind of just want a life where I am never too comfortable. Like, God could ask me to pick up and leave and move somewhere and I would just say “okay, God.” I would like a house, though, I just don’t want my sense of comfort and peace to be solely wrapped up in my surroundings and finances or belongings. I want to be taken out of my comfort zone; I want my heart to be willing to be surprised by God.
Content, though. Happy and content.
Birds: too many poems about them. Should I even try?
During my oatmeal and coffee this morning (I admit, it was afternoon, but I feel funny that I have oatmeal and coffee as snacks during the day) I decided to sit and watch the birds hop around my backyard. It started as an easy enough sort of venture, me sipping, her pecking, me thinking “hey…birds…poetry” her craning her neck around the bird feeder for those minuscule little seeds that inspired the term “bird food.” I watched her call her friends to the buffet, yet nudge and budge them with her wings when they go too close to her plate. Sighing, I get up to get my notebook because I knew that the thoughts I was having weren’t going to stick with me (though I promised myself I wouldn’t forget). I started jotting, paused, and wrote some more. I watched. I listened. Birds are much like people, but have the advantage of escape.
Journal #2
“…the pillars still bore traces of where wrought-iron gates once hung. But the gates themselves had vanished long before I appeared on the scene to read meaning into their absence. Like iron gates and railings all over Britain, they were removed during WWII to be melted down and reforged into armament.”
Chris Arthur “(En)trance”
I would really love to write a poem about the iron gates that were melted down during WWII. I think it would be fun and challenging to write.
Journal #3
Braces. Pimples. Early bloomers. Late bloomers. Pretty boys. Boys whose voices have already changed. Nice boys. Boys whose moms still pick their clothing. Funny boys. Silly girls. Giggly girls. Nice girls. Shy girls. Girls who don’t think they are beautiful. Girls who reach out to the "outsiders."
Middle School.
I love it. I love everything about middle school kids, the way their sense of humor is developing, but so often channeled at inappropriate moments or the wrong people. I love the awkwardness of it all, the first flutter of crushes and the tell-tale signs of heartbreak.
Student: (giggling) “I agree with Nathan-N-iel (strokes hair) because he is right about the character's perspective” (more giggling/gazing at Nathaniel)
Nathaniel: (flips hair)
Me: “Okay. But what did YOU think? I heard what Nathaniel thought, but I want to know your thoughts.”
But, these kids are more than these stereotypes. In my classes, all of them are asking “am I capable?” All of them are asking “am I important?”
Sometimes all people see are braces, pimples, and laziness. Sometimes its hard to see the beauty.
Most middle school age students have engaged in some kind of sexual behavior before they reach 9th grade. Often, these students are given up on long before they are no longer moldable.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. It isn’t philosophical, poetic, or beautiful. It is just life. And, sometimes, life reeks of a normalcy that drives us towards apathy. Sometimes people give up and it is difficult to look at that and transform it into an inspirational life lesson.
Life is a lot like middle school, I think.
Journal #4
Bird-Flu: I think I have it.
When they peck the ground, it almost looks like they are trying to suck the life out of the earth, penetrating its skin
Which leads me to the question: do birds have tongues?
Come one-come all-drink of life’s wine
Their secret call, connect the dots from the sky
A single noise can create havoc. A surge will arise as the vibrating hum of their wings closes in towards the sky
Unity. Arrive together, leave together when alarmed. No bird left behind.
They arrive and leave with the sun, their mother. She draws them from slumber and lulls them to sleep until their chirping turns to dreaming (unless, of course, they sleep-chirp)
Journal #5
I have tried too many times to write about my grandmother’s death.
And I really loathe every work I produced.
Why is it that the things which seem to shape you the most are the hardest to write about? It is one of the most intimate details of my life, yet I can never seem to get it right. Why can’t I express in full what I felt and still feel? Why is it never enough? Maybe I am not supposed to get it right. Maybe that it is the point of these sort of life experiences. If I I keep producing things that, though not quiet exact, have an ounce of truth in them, then maybe one day I will have written it all. It will just be in pieces. A little here, a little there. Then, at the end, I would gather those few lines and assemble them into a unified and accurate image of what it was like.
Maybe I am supposed to keep writing. Maybe, that is the point.
Journal #6 An interesting writing assignment
Dr. Jones assigned us to list five, and only five, experiences in our life that we would want to include in our memoir. “When I…”
1. When I realized that my older brother and his friends finally considered me an equal playmate, comrade, and adventure-hunter, instead of just Albert’s corny little sister who can never seem to reach that first branch. *
*I have since become an expert tree-climber
2. When I visited Maine and fell in love with its toe-curling winter chills, salty lobster chowder (chowdah), and cliffs penetrating the seashore.
3. When I realized that the only type of “love and marriage” that I am interested in is the type where God comes first for both of us, and we are each other's "second." I want him to love God more than me and put Him before me. I want to love God more than him and put Him before him. I want us both to know that we could live without each other, but, for some glorious reason, God gave us to each other. I just want a partner to do this Christian life with and to help along the way. I would also like to be friends and do things like go to books-a-million to read and drink coffee, go horseback riding/hiking/camping, play scrabble, and watch documentaries and go to bed early. Flannel is a must, for both of us.
4. When I realized that I don’t really care for the typical life of middle class comfort. I kind of just want a life where I am never too comfortable. Like, God could ask me to pick up and leave and move somewhere and I would just say “okay, God.” I would like a house, though, I just don’t want my sense of comfort and peace to be solely wrapped up in my surroundings and finances or belongings. I want to be taken out of my comfort zone; I want my heart to be willing to be surprised by God.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Truth of the Gospel According to Hosea- And Why We Must Remember It
Setting the Scene-God’s Unfaithful People:
“Bring charges against your mother, bring charges;
For she is not My wife, nor am I her Husband!
Let her put away her harlotries from her sight,
And her adulteries from between her breasts;
3 Lest I strip her naked
And expose her, as in the day she was born,
And make her like a wilderness,
And set her like a dry land,
And slay her with thirst…For their mother has played the harlot;
She who conceived them has behaved shamefully.
For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers”
Harlotry, wine, and new wine enslave the heart.
12 My people ask counsel from their wooden idols,
And their staff informs them.
For the spirit of harlotry has caused them to stray,
And they have played the harlot against their God.
Tonight I am up against Satan and all his demons.
Actually, I’m not up against him, I’m beneath his feet, crushed.
Tonight I am a scared, helpless child in need of comfort, love, forgiveness, and just a plan old hug. Tonight, I feel like a harlot.
Blunt, I know.
I commit adultery against my Husband every day. And, right now, I am feeling it keenly. The effects are choking. I replace my devotion to Him with devotion to idols. I am a disobedient wife. I feel stained and like my meager offerings of love are tainted by my sin. My prayers stop short because I can no longer lift my head. I can’t look Him in the eyes. I am so exposed. He knows, and I know that He knows. But He continues to call to me. Because He loves me.
The book of Hosea offers my wounded heart such hope and freedom. Christ tells the story of the sin of His people and their continuous betrayal and of His continuing grace, freedom, forgiveness, and love that He pours out. He pours out love to His helpless harlot-wife. He washes her hair, strokes her cheek, rubs her back, and kisses her neck. He treats her like His most precious possession…
God’s Continuing Love:
“ Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her.”
Can you see how this is the gospel? This is how our sin makes all of us look, whether we feel it or not. Because, truth is, we don’t always feel like the harlot that we are. Without Christ, we really don’t have anything good to offer Him, only leftovers of our adulterous heart, leftovers of our worn out bodies, and leftovers of our sin-hungry souls.
Each time I leave Him and then come back after acknowledging my sin, I am always enlightened with a new, clearer understanding of the gospel. I think that’s how it will always be. God is such a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted being that we cannot possibly know Him explicitly. So, He reveals a little more of Himself to us as He, breaks, disciplines, and molds us.
Be Confident in His Forgiveness:
“Come, and let us return to the LORD;
For He has torn, but He will heal us;
He has stricken, but He will bind us up
I admit that tonight my conviction is not the healthy kind. It is not the kind that motivates, but it cripples.
Although it is good for me to see myself as the harlot that I am without Christ, Satan often takes advantage of my conviction and pushes it over a cliff. This is conviction in my soul, and it is an unhealthy sort of conviction. It is one that condemns, and doesn’t lead me towards active repentance, but instead freezes me in fear and anguish. This sort of conviction is not from the Lord, but is another one of Satan’s tools to crumble me into useless dust. Satan is afraid of the power of Christ in me, and he is using every avenue he can to get me to listen to his lies.
“O Israel, return to the LORD your God,
For you have stumbled because of your iniquity;
2 Take words with you,
And return to the LORD.
Say to Him,
“ Take away all iniquity;
Receive us graciously,
For we will offer the sacrifices[a] of our lips…”
“And I will heal their backsliding…”
I have been encouraged to fight through this battle courageously and not shamefully. To not pitch tent in my shame, but to trek onward, and carry a load of new-found grace to rest my heart on at night.
But, I still feel ashamed at times. My heart ponders why He would choose to love me-Me, in all my ugliness, pride, selfishness, and sin. I don’t understand it. But I want to live it out and to give this same selfless love to others.
So, tonight I feared the darkness. The time of day when I have opportunities to actually sit and contemplate my actions, my choices, my words…my heart. I feared His presence, and the accusations I was sure to find my aimed direction, and the accusations I know I deserved. Instead, what did I find? I found love. I found forgiveness and adoration from my Husband who calls me His and who considers me one with His perfect Son. I found my King who whispered encouragement and kissed my tear-stained cheeks. I found One who loves me in all my weaknesses and sin. Instead of being disgusted at my scars, He cleanses them. That is the beauty of Him, He is aware of my depravity, but loves me anyway. This better than if He were to simply not notice or not acknowledge my state. To Him, I am His virgin bride, spotless.
Tonight I relish in His forgiveness and marvel at the love of my God. The sort of love that I am daily washed new in, and the same love that I am called to use towards others.
“Bring charges against your mother, bring charges;
For she is not My wife, nor am I her Husband!
Let her put away her harlotries from her sight,
And her adulteries from between her breasts;
3 Lest I strip her naked
And expose her, as in the day she was born,
And make her like a wilderness,
And set her like a dry land,
And slay her with thirst…For their mother has played the harlot;
She who conceived them has behaved shamefully.
For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers”
Harlotry, wine, and new wine enslave the heart.
12 My people ask counsel from their wooden idols,
And their staff informs them.
For the spirit of harlotry has caused them to stray,
And they have played the harlot against their God.
Tonight I am up against Satan and all his demons.
Actually, I’m not up against him, I’m beneath his feet, crushed.
Tonight I am a scared, helpless child in need of comfort, love, forgiveness, and just a plan old hug. Tonight, I feel like a harlot.
Blunt, I know.
I commit adultery against my Husband every day. And, right now, I am feeling it keenly. The effects are choking. I replace my devotion to Him with devotion to idols. I am a disobedient wife. I feel stained and like my meager offerings of love are tainted by my sin. My prayers stop short because I can no longer lift my head. I can’t look Him in the eyes. I am so exposed. He knows, and I know that He knows. But He continues to call to me. Because He loves me.
The book of Hosea offers my wounded heart such hope and freedom. Christ tells the story of the sin of His people and their continuous betrayal and of His continuing grace, freedom, forgiveness, and love that He pours out. He pours out love to His helpless harlot-wife. He washes her hair, strokes her cheek, rubs her back, and kisses her neck. He treats her like His most precious possession…
God’s Continuing Love:
“ Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her.”
Can you see how this is the gospel? This is how our sin makes all of us look, whether we feel it or not. Because, truth is, we don’t always feel like the harlot that we are. Without Christ, we really don’t have anything good to offer Him, only leftovers of our adulterous heart, leftovers of our worn out bodies, and leftovers of our sin-hungry souls.
Each time I leave Him and then come back after acknowledging my sin, I am always enlightened with a new, clearer understanding of the gospel. I think that’s how it will always be. God is such a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted being that we cannot possibly know Him explicitly. So, He reveals a little more of Himself to us as He, breaks, disciplines, and molds us.
Be Confident in His Forgiveness:
“Come, and let us return to the LORD;
For He has torn, but He will heal us;
He has stricken, but He will bind us up
I admit that tonight my conviction is not the healthy kind. It is not the kind that motivates, but it cripples.
Although it is good for me to see myself as the harlot that I am without Christ, Satan often takes advantage of my conviction and pushes it over a cliff. This is conviction in my soul, and it is an unhealthy sort of conviction. It is one that condemns, and doesn’t lead me towards active repentance, but instead freezes me in fear and anguish. This sort of conviction is not from the Lord, but is another one of Satan’s tools to crumble me into useless dust. Satan is afraid of the power of Christ in me, and he is using every avenue he can to get me to listen to his lies.
“O Israel, return to the LORD your God,
For you have stumbled because of your iniquity;
2 Take words with you,
And return to the LORD.
Say to Him,
“ Take away all iniquity;
Receive us graciously,
For we will offer the sacrifices[a] of our lips…”
“And I will heal their backsliding…”
I have been encouraged to fight through this battle courageously and not shamefully. To not pitch tent in my shame, but to trek onward, and carry a load of new-found grace to rest my heart on at night.
But, I still feel ashamed at times. My heart ponders why He would choose to love me-Me, in all my ugliness, pride, selfishness, and sin. I don’t understand it. But I want to live it out and to give this same selfless love to others.
So, tonight I feared the darkness. The time of day when I have opportunities to actually sit and contemplate my actions, my choices, my words…my heart. I feared His presence, and the accusations I was sure to find my aimed direction, and the accusations I know I deserved. Instead, what did I find? I found love. I found forgiveness and adoration from my Husband who calls me His and who considers me one with His perfect Son. I found my King who whispered encouragement and kissed my tear-stained cheeks. I found One who loves me in all my weaknesses and sin. Instead of being disgusted at my scars, He cleanses them. That is the beauty of Him, He is aware of my depravity, but loves me anyway. This better than if He were to simply not notice or not acknowledge my state. To Him, I am His virgin bride, spotless.
Tonight I relish in His forgiveness and marvel at the love of my God. The sort of love that I am daily washed new in, and the same love that I am called to use towards others.
Friday, August 6, 2010
"I Want to be Beautiful....Make You Stand in Awe"
I am a girl, and so I have lots of questions…here they are
Whose gratification are you living to fulfill? Whose happiness are we taking into consideration? What would happen if we stopped “petting” ourselves (ex. Excessive concern with appearance, place in society, benefits of friendships, opinions of people, praise and approval from people, etc)? What would it look like if instead of the easy route, we decided to practice a little self-deprivation?
I want to ask my sisters, what would happen if we stopped caring about our appearances and instead focused all that time and energy into giving up of ourselves in motivation of worshipping our God and Father?
I have once again become entranced with God’s idea of a beautiful woman. It is found throughout scripture, but Proverbs 31 is especially detailed. For example…
“Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates” Proverbs 31:29-31
As I look at this verse line-by-line, it confirms that, yes, many daughters will have done “good,” things. Even sinners can perform charitable works. But God says that YOU (the Proverbs 31 woman) excel them all. Why? Because their (non God-fearing women) charm is deceitful (they use it as a means to an end…to get what they want whether it be praise, adoration, money, friends, or a husband). Their beauty is in vain because their focus was merely outward beauty, not beauty of the heart. They will grow old and their luxurious hair, soft skin, and well-kept figure will be replaced with old age and bitter hearts. BUT (one of the most promising words in the Bible!) a woman who fears the Lord (honors Him, reverences Him, respects Him, adores Him, seeks to increase Him, could all be placed here) shall be praised. Though her body will also grow old and feeble, her beautiful heart will only be all the more magnified! My favorite part of the verse is this: she works hard. She probably does not have soft, lovely hands that have never touched a dirty pot, or harvested a muddy garden, or tended to the poor, or showed mercy to the unbelieving (“…the product of her hands”). By reading the former part of Proverbs 31, one can clearly see that this virtuous woman was a quite the feminine laborer! Also, her own works praise her (“…let her works praise her in the gates”). She needs not voice her charity or put her good works on display - she simply does her work because of joy for her Lord, without considering her reward. Those that she has helped, those that she has comforted, the meals she prepared for the sick, the clothes she made for her family and the poor, the orphans she cared for, all of these things praised her, not her own voice.
Now, let’s compare this verse to our own lives…
I have been examining my heart and asking myself how much of what I do has an eternal perspective. I don’t simply mean “well, I am going to college to earn a degree to get a job to make money to”…what? What am I investing in that has significance in the lives of others? “Well, I develop friendships with others that give glory to God.” Great, but don’t I get something in return? Am I focusing only on the things that I enjoy doing and call that good works, or do I practice selflessness by doing things that I wouldn’t normally consider “worth my while?” How often do I feel the sting of sacrifice or self-deprivation?
For instance, a couple of weeks ago, as I was meditating on this, I asked myself what works I had been doing that could “praise me in the gates.” This summer I have scheduled more time for me to do things I wouldn't normally do. Yes, it takes work to live selflessly, especially in the States. But, looking back on previous summers, then, the time I had was all for me. Summer was for my benefit, my enjoyment, and I deserved it. Wow. What sin I had in my heart. No, I am thankful for the gift of trials God has given me. It has changed my perspective. But, I need more. I will always need more. Trials truly are a gift, and this understanding grows with every one of them. It is what God uses to mold us to be more like Him. I need to see more of my sin, I need to feel that sense of helplessness, I need to see hurting people, I need to get as close as I can to a sense of my depravity in order to continue to rediscover God’s ever-growing love. I need to break out of my comfort zone, go against the flow, and charge forth with assurance of God’s faithful protection and seize every opportunity to magnify His name. Break out. Go against. And, charge forth. Sounds like a Christian soldier to me!
So, this Proverbs 31 virtuous woman study is preparing me for such works. God is showing all of us, men too, what it looks like to be a hard working, sacrificing servant, and one who joyously gives every drop of himself for the glory of God.
“Examine me, O Lord, and try me; Test my mind and my heart…” Psalm 26:2
I have never felt more invigorated to love nonbelievers, to encourage the faint of heart, to work steadily when it seems hopeless, to fight on behalf of injustice, to stand strong within trials, to remain faithful during stress, to wash those dirty pots and pans, to clean those dirty houses, to answer those never-ending phone calls, to write those hundreds of papers and take those difficult tests than when I have evaluated my focus, adjusted my perspective, and invested in intimate time with my Husband. When I have intimately communicated with Him, is when I feel most ready to fight in His name. It won’t work any other way, not for the long run anyhow. Seeking other means of fulfillment always results in broken hearts, burnt-out bodies, and aggravated souls. Captivating each moment’s thoughts towards Christ is the essential ingredient to be a Proverbs 31 woman, for true beauty, even.
To me, the most attractive thing a man can do is live a life sold out for the ministry of and glorification of Jesus Christ. I don’t care about his outward appearance. I don’t care about how much money he has. I don’t care about whom he is friends with or how he fits in with society. I don’t care about if he likes dogs, or cats, or hiking, or if he is tall, or short, or fat, or thin, or if his eyes are blue or green or…whatever! These things do not matter when compared to God getting the ultimate glory! If he is a valiant warrior for our King and loves to sing Him praise and declare His name to the nations, if he seeks to give honor to his brothers and sisters in the name of Jesus, if he strives after moral purity and fights for justice with a merciful heart, if he works hard in the name of the Lord (in whatever he does!), if he gives respect even when it is undeserved…that is the most beautiful thing I could imagine.
So, if this is what my young heart is yearning for, then, what does this mean for me? It means, briefly, this: I want to be known as a woman consumed with the Lord, radiant with His love, and one who courageously fights for righteousness and virtue in all manners of life. It means I am striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman, a woman God considers beautiful. And, His approval is all I need.
May He give us the strength, the heart, the endurance, and the faith that it requires to live a life set-apart for His purpose. Amen to our Father and praise to His name for eternity - glory be to God in the highest!
So gratefully His,
Lady in Waiting
Whose gratification are you living to fulfill? Whose happiness are we taking into consideration? What would happen if we stopped “petting” ourselves (ex. Excessive concern with appearance, place in society, benefits of friendships, opinions of people, praise and approval from people, etc)? What would it look like if instead of the easy route, we decided to practice a little self-deprivation?
I want to ask my sisters, what would happen if we stopped caring about our appearances and instead focused all that time and energy into giving up of ourselves in motivation of worshipping our God and Father?
I have once again become entranced with God’s idea of a beautiful woman. It is found throughout scripture, but Proverbs 31 is especially detailed. For example…
“Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates” Proverbs 31:29-31
As I look at this verse line-by-line, it confirms that, yes, many daughters will have done “good,” things. Even sinners can perform charitable works. But God says that YOU (the Proverbs 31 woman) excel them all. Why? Because their (non God-fearing women) charm is deceitful (they use it as a means to an end…to get what they want whether it be praise, adoration, money, friends, or a husband). Their beauty is in vain because their focus was merely outward beauty, not beauty of the heart. They will grow old and their luxurious hair, soft skin, and well-kept figure will be replaced with old age and bitter hearts. BUT (one of the most promising words in the Bible!) a woman who fears the Lord (honors Him, reverences Him, respects Him, adores Him, seeks to increase Him, could all be placed here) shall be praised. Though her body will also grow old and feeble, her beautiful heart will only be all the more magnified! My favorite part of the verse is this: she works hard. She probably does not have soft, lovely hands that have never touched a dirty pot, or harvested a muddy garden, or tended to the poor, or showed mercy to the unbelieving (“…the product of her hands”). By reading the former part of Proverbs 31, one can clearly see that this virtuous woman was a quite the feminine laborer! Also, her own works praise her (“…let her works praise her in the gates”). She needs not voice her charity or put her good works on display - she simply does her work because of joy for her Lord, without considering her reward. Those that she has helped, those that she has comforted, the meals she prepared for the sick, the clothes she made for her family and the poor, the orphans she cared for, all of these things praised her, not her own voice.
Now, let’s compare this verse to our own lives…
I have been examining my heart and asking myself how much of what I do has an eternal perspective. I don’t simply mean “well, I am going to college to earn a degree to get a job to make money to”…what? What am I investing in that has significance in the lives of others? “Well, I develop friendships with others that give glory to God.” Great, but don’t I get something in return? Am I focusing only on the things that I enjoy doing and call that good works, or do I practice selflessness by doing things that I wouldn’t normally consider “worth my while?” How often do I feel the sting of sacrifice or self-deprivation?
For instance, a couple of weeks ago, as I was meditating on this, I asked myself what works I had been doing that could “praise me in the gates.” This summer I have scheduled more time for me to do things I wouldn't normally do. Yes, it takes work to live selflessly, especially in the States. But, looking back on previous summers, then, the time I had was all for me. Summer was for my benefit, my enjoyment, and I deserved it. Wow. What sin I had in my heart. No, I am thankful for the gift of trials God has given me. It has changed my perspective. But, I need more. I will always need more. Trials truly are a gift, and this understanding grows with every one of them. It is what God uses to mold us to be more like Him. I need to see more of my sin, I need to feel that sense of helplessness, I need to see hurting people, I need to get as close as I can to a sense of my depravity in order to continue to rediscover God’s ever-growing love. I need to break out of my comfort zone, go against the flow, and charge forth with assurance of God’s faithful protection and seize every opportunity to magnify His name. Break out. Go against. And, charge forth. Sounds like a Christian soldier to me!
So, this Proverbs 31 virtuous woman study is preparing me for such works. God is showing all of us, men too, what it looks like to be a hard working, sacrificing servant, and one who joyously gives every drop of himself for the glory of God.
“Examine me, O Lord, and try me; Test my mind and my heart…” Psalm 26:2
I have never felt more invigorated to love nonbelievers, to encourage the faint of heart, to work steadily when it seems hopeless, to fight on behalf of injustice, to stand strong within trials, to remain faithful during stress, to wash those dirty pots and pans, to clean those dirty houses, to answer those never-ending phone calls, to write those hundreds of papers and take those difficult tests than when I have evaluated my focus, adjusted my perspective, and invested in intimate time with my Husband. When I have intimately communicated with Him, is when I feel most ready to fight in His name. It won’t work any other way, not for the long run anyhow. Seeking other means of fulfillment always results in broken hearts, burnt-out bodies, and aggravated souls. Captivating each moment’s thoughts towards Christ is the essential ingredient to be a Proverbs 31 woman, for true beauty, even.
To me, the most attractive thing a man can do is live a life sold out for the ministry of and glorification of Jesus Christ. I don’t care about his outward appearance. I don’t care about how much money he has. I don’t care about whom he is friends with or how he fits in with society. I don’t care about if he likes dogs, or cats, or hiking, or if he is tall, or short, or fat, or thin, or if his eyes are blue or green or…whatever! These things do not matter when compared to God getting the ultimate glory! If he is a valiant warrior for our King and loves to sing Him praise and declare His name to the nations, if he seeks to give honor to his brothers and sisters in the name of Jesus, if he strives after moral purity and fights for justice with a merciful heart, if he works hard in the name of the Lord (in whatever he does!), if he gives respect even when it is undeserved…that is the most beautiful thing I could imagine.
So, if this is what my young heart is yearning for, then, what does this mean for me? It means, briefly, this: I want to be known as a woman consumed with the Lord, radiant with His love, and one who courageously fights for righteousness and virtue in all manners of life. It means I am striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman, a woman God considers beautiful. And, His approval is all I need.
May He give us the strength, the heart, the endurance, and the faith that it requires to live a life set-apart for His purpose. Amen to our Father and praise to His name for eternity - glory be to God in the highest!
So gratefully His,
Lady in Waiting
Saturday, July 3, 2010
"And if I perish...I perish"
"Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the King, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16
Have you ever marveled at the courage Esther had? I have, especially recently. Sometimes the Lord takes me through areas of growth which I have recently referred to as my "Esther moments." Actually, most of us have had them, and, if you have not, you will sometime in your life. These "Esther moments" come in the form of serious decisions. For me, they are not a question of life or death, but rather obedience or disobedience. Or, even harder, a good decision, or a better decision. It seems as if each summer the Lord takes me through one of these Esther moments. Last summer I had to make a decision that affected a lot of people around me and my future. This summer proves to be no different. He does not simply just guide me towards a blatant answer that is clear, concise, and predictable. He desires me to grow in my faith and my abandonment to Him. So, like last summer, I believe that I will have to act according to my measure of faith, rather than the surety of my decision. If you have ever read the account of Esther, you know that her decision was not one she could take lightly either. Her decision affected not only her, but also her people, and even her husband. Her faith exceeded that of her value for her life.
Think about your own "Esther moments." This past year, I have had several Esther moments. And, do you know what I have realized (again) in hindsight? The Lord goes before us! How many times have I doubted this? How many times have you doubted this? It is easy for me to believe that He is protecting me when things seem right, but when conflicts arise, all of the sudden my heart beats faster. “What if this happens? What will he/she say? Am I doing right? Maybe I should…” and the list goes on. It is questions like these that show how faithless my heart can be. The reason I refer to these intense moments as my “Esther moments,” is simply because of the amount of courage and faith it takes to walk blindly towards the edge. For me, the “edge” is always the result. It has a fifty/fifty chance of going one way or another (fall…or not fall). I am walking blindly, because I do not know the result. Esther too did not know the result of her addressing her husband and King without request. She did not know if her actions would save her people or bring them further destruction. She, however, probably had less of an even likelihood. But, the Lord went before her. The Lord, God of Israel, softened the King’s heart and whispered mercy into his mouth. Esther knew, even before going before the King, that she was risking her life. So many times I worry about my reputation, being a “good example” to my sisters and brothers in Christ and to non-believers. But Esther, she had so much more than a reputation to consider! She had her whole life seemingly dangling over that cliff! The courage and faith that she upheld truly humbles me. She was willing to take that step, break that law, and trust her God because of her faith in Him. I am positive that she was tempted to forget about this task. She most likely questioned her influence towards the King and considered this a lost cause. But, she trusted, and that is really all I need to know. She had faith, and she leaped. I want to be like that. I want to live in complete abandon to Christ. I want to act courageously for Him! So often some of my favorite hymns deal with the Christian being a soldier for Christ. My heart is so very willing, but my flesh is so very weak!
But, it is through these tough Esther moments that I am again reminded that our battle is already fought. We have already won. Period. So, if we have already won, then what have I to lose? My reputation? No! My self-worth? No! My value? No! No! My opportunities? No! My life? No, No, NO! As Paul says, “I must decrease and He must increase.” We are CALLED to live in complete surrender to Christ’s work. We are CALLED to live a life that does NOT seek our own comfort, our own pleasures and gains, or our own desires. We are CALLED to live a life that can be used up for Him! I am still realizing this, even after a year of my heart being burdened with this calling. We are not our own. We are not our own. Our life is not ours. My life is not my own. Esther knew this. Do you know it as well?
Consider your own Esther moments, when you were scared, worried, and at a loss for wisdom. What did you do? Has your faith exceeded that of your logic? Have you ever done something simply because you felt the presence of God pulling you towards it, even when logic, friends, and family seem to tell you differently? I want to have this faith. I want to live in total abandonment to Christ and His Kingdom. I long to live a courageous life like Esther. So, my question is this: If you were to make a decision according to the measure of your faith, would that make you faithful, or faithless?
Lady in Waiting
Have you ever marveled at the courage Esther had? I have, especially recently. Sometimes the Lord takes me through areas of growth which I have recently referred to as my "Esther moments." Actually, most of us have had them, and, if you have not, you will sometime in your life. These "Esther moments" come in the form of serious decisions. For me, they are not a question of life or death, but rather obedience or disobedience. Or, even harder, a good decision, or a better decision. It seems as if each summer the Lord takes me through one of these Esther moments. Last summer I had to make a decision that affected a lot of people around me and my future. This summer proves to be no different. He does not simply just guide me towards a blatant answer that is clear, concise, and predictable. He desires me to grow in my faith and my abandonment to Him. So, like last summer, I believe that I will have to act according to my measure of faith, rather than the surety of my decision. If you have ever read the account of Esther, you know that her decision was not one she could take lightly either. Her decision affected not only her, but also her people, and even her husband. Her faith exceeded that of her value for her life.
Think about your own "Esther moments." This past year, I have had several Esther moments. And, do you know what I have realized (again) in hindsight? The Lord goes before us! How many times have I doubted this? How many times have you doubted this? It is easy for me to believe that He is protecting me when things seem right, but when conflicts arise, all of the sudden my heart beats faster. “What if this happens? What will he/she say? Am I doing right? Maybe I should…” and the list goes on. It is questions like these that show how faithless my heart can be. The reason I refer to these intense moments as my “Esther moments,” is simply because of the amount of courage and faith it takes to walk blindly towards the edge. For me, the “edge” is always the result. It has a fifty/fifty chance of going one way or another (fall…or not fall). I am walking blindly, because I do not know the result. Esther too did not know the result of her addressing her husband and King without request. She did not know if her actions would save her people or bring them further destruction. She, however, probably had less of an even likelihood. But, the Lord went before her. The Lord, God of Israel, softened the King’s heart and whispered mercy into his mouth. Esther knew, even before going before the King, that she was risking her life. So many times I worry about my reputation, being a “good example” to my sisters and brothers in Christ and to non-believers. But Esther, she had so much more than a reputation to consider! She had her whole life seemingly dangling over that cliff! The courage and faith that she upheld truly humbles me. She was willing to take that step, break that law, and trust her God because of her faith in Him. I am positive that she was tempted to forget about this task. She most likely questioned her influence towards the King and considered this a lost cause. But, she trusted, and that is really all I need to know. She had faith, and she leaped. I want to be like that. I want to live in complete abandon to Christ. I want to act courageously for Him! So often some of my favorite hymns deal with the Christian being a soldier for Christ. My heart is so very willing, but my flesh is so very weak!
But, it is through these tough Esther moments that I am again reminded that our battle is already fought. We have already won. Period. So, if we have already won, then what have I to lose? My reputation? No! My self-worth? No! My value? No! No! My opportunities? No! My life? No, No, NO! As Paul says, “I must decrease and He must increase.” We are CALLED to live in complete surrender to Christ’s work. We are CALLED to live a life that does NOT seek our own comfort, our own pleasures and gains, or our own desires. We are CALLED to live a life that can be used up for Him! I am still realizing this, even after a year of my heart being burdened with this calling. We are not our own. We are not our own. Our life is not ours. My life is not my own. Esther knew this. Do you know it as well?
Consider your own Esther moments, when you were scared, worried, and at a loss for wisdom. What did you do? Has your faith exceeded that of your logic? Have you ever done something simply because you felt the presence of God pulling you towards it, even when logic, friends, and family seem to tell you differently? I want to have this faith. I want to live in total abandonment to Christ and His Kingdom. I long to live a courageous life like Esther. So, my question is this: If you were to make a decision according to the measure of your faith, would that make you faithful, or faithless?
Lady in Waiting
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Some great thoughts from Chapel today!
Today, a man named David Rhoads came to speak at chapel. The message was so God-directed and honest and I found it quite encouraging, especially during the middle of the semester as I tend to get so very busy. We must not forget what we are here for! We are not here for our own gain, our own benefit, our own success, our own PLANS, we are here for Him who sent us! I again encountered James 1:27 when Christ tells us to go tend to His sheep that are hurting. If you wish to discover more about the Rhoad's story and their relationship to Haiti, go here:
http://afamilyforfrankie.wordpress.com/
This is a great account of the workings of our Lord. How GOOD He is! How FAITHFUL He is! Oh, love your Father, my dear friends, love Him!
"What if the overflow of our worship was in the extension of our hands?"
"We should go into the brokenness not only because they need God, but because we need God. The closer we get to brokenness, the closer we come to God."
"In their lives [the broken, the hurting, the poor] we experience God in a way we never would otherwise..."
"True worship is not about hands raised, but hands extended"
"Dare the Spirit of God to make beauty out of brokenness"
"We should be barrers of beauty to this broken world"
"Part of the responsibility of being a Christian, is seeing what needs to be done. Then, the doing is in response to that sight given to us from Him."
Hear the words of our Lord, and use His instruction to shape the ministry He has given you in your [His] life!
"My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism, for if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, You sit here in a good place, and you say to the poor man, you stand over there or sit down by my foot stool, have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?"
Listen,m my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?"
James 2:1-5
Lady in Waiting
http://afamilyforfrankie.wordpress.com/
This is a great account of the workings of our Lord. How GOOD He is! How FAITHFUL He is! Oh, love your Father, my dear friends, love Him!
"What if the overflow of our worship was in the extension of our hands?"
"We should go into the brokenness not only because they need God, but because we need God. The closer we get to brokenness, the closer we come to God."
"In their lives [the broken, the hurting, the poor] we experience God in a way we never would otherwise..."
"True worship is not about hands raised, but hands extended"
"Dare the Spirit of God to make beauty out of brokenness"
"We should be barrers of beauty to this broken world"
"Part of the responsibility of being a Christian, is seeing what needs to be done. Then, the doing is in response to that sight given to us from Him."
Hear the words of our Lord, and use His instruction to shape the ministry He has given you in your [His] life!
"My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism, for if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, You sit here in a good place, and you say to the poor man, you stand over there or sit down by my foot stool, have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?"
Listen,m my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?"
James 2:1-5
Lady in Waiting
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Morris Street House...
After classes today, I got a cup of coffee and did some homework at a local coffee shop. Afterwards, as I was driving back to school, I spontaneously decided to turn down a side street that I had never been on. I continued driving, turning, and exploring the poor side of my city. I just drove around, not far, meandering around the old city streets I've never been through. I saw Anderson in its antiquity. I saw Anderson in its original design. I saw Anderson for what it was, instead of always seeing it for how it is. I've lived here for eleven years, and I've never seen this secret side of the city before. Even though it's a growing city that is becoming more and more urbanized and mechanic, its rusted hinges are still there. . Then, a thought hit me. Just like the old buildings I was seeing in the midst of Anderson's growing suburb, there were also hurting, poor, and worn out people in the midst of those who are leading healthy, happy lives. Another thought plagued my mind. Why don't I do something about this? Why do we let the old, intricately designed houses rust and crumble under the weight of the years? Why do we allow people to hurt and die alone without ever knowing of the love of a friend? Why do I not reach out to the people waiting around instead of watching them grow old and tired inside these buildings? Why do I allow them to be lonely?
I kept driving, going slower and slower so I could look around me. I turned down a side street lined with trees when I saw it. It looked like a small plantation home that had been moved and plopped right in the middle of a street. It had steep green steps leading to the front door and set off the house as if it were on an incline. The first step was about twelve feet from the street. It had a narrow walkway separating the weed exposed yard. It was a wooden house painted white with long front windows. It had shabby, soiled cream colored curtains in the broken window pains. It was abandoned. I gently pressed my brake and sat there for a couple of minutes. There it was, amidst all I had seen, right in the center of Anderson's poor. This house that had once been beautiful, was now left alone to suffer alone the weight of years left uncared for. It was angled to the right of two beautiful brick Churches (what had caught my attention in the first place). My mind flooded with the possibilities this house could hold. Children, orphans, unwed mothers, a meal house, a gathering place for helping the needy...a home. This house was in need of repair, but its potential for ministry was unmistakably obvious. It was old, yet to me it seemed full of hope staring at me from across the street. It needed someone to take advantage of its character and potential, and I was craving for something that needed me. Why couldn't I be the one to unveil this ministry. Why can't I be the one to move into it and begin work. Why can't I be that servant? Why would it be so hard?
It would be hard because it would be unexpected in my society for a young woman to leave her college education and commit her years towards helping those in her own community. People might encourage me in my endeavors or even comment on "my compassionate heart" But, still, their hearts might pity me and wonder what I was thinking. It would be strange..it would be considered taboo.
It would be frightening. I would have to ask people to live with me and help me in this ministry, who would do that? It would be stupid. Move to the dangerous side of a city, invite complete strangers to come into your home and sleep or have dinner? Take care of children who may be homeless, parent less, sick, unstable, or disabled? Be vulnerable to the elements of the meanest of society?
why not?
Why not just take a chance and dive into something for the glory of God? Why not just sacrifice my own comfort and other people's expectations for once? Why not just be vulnerable to the will of God for once? Why not actually just DO something instead of talking about it? Why not? That is what my heart is screaming.
This is perhaps the hundredth example of God pulling my heart towards missions. I just "happened" to find my way to a blog about a 20 year old girl moving to Uganda and becoming a missionary mother to over a dozen girls. I just "happened" to become interested in a missions trip to Israel and talked to my cousin who went and the director about the possibilities. I just "happened" to get word of a missions trip to Kentucky the weekend of spring break. I just "happened" to hear many songs, sermons, and quotes about "going forth" and preaching the word of God. I just "happened" to be doing a book report on Lottie Moon and loving every piece of literature I read about her. I just "happened" to hear of an opportunity for teachers to go to China through an organization called ETA that invites Americans to teach conversational English to the Chinese, all expenses paid for and it will be a paying job! I just "happen" to no longer feel as though I fit into the college life and atmosphere. I just "happen" to feel quite alone and uncomfortable with the life I am leading. I just "happen" to be convicted by every scripture telling me to sell all my belongings and go and be a disciple for Christ and spread His love to the nations. I just "happened" to decide to drive around the bad part of Anderson in hopes of being enlightened to the world around me. I am only twenty, and already my heart is burdened for the depravity of the world I live in. The lives I encounter, and the hurt I see at every corner. Already I am quite tired of the sin I commit and see committed. Already I am distraught over the number of Christians who live comfortably and without sacrifice for the sake of leading others to Christ - myself I include in this all.
So, what do I do? What do I do with all these ideas? What do I do with these convictions? What do I do about the hurting people? What do I do about the house on Morris street?
I'm not yet sure. But, I do know that I can no longer continue ignoring these blatant signs the Lord has given me. I believe the Lord brought me to the Morris Street house to show me the potential that my life holds and what He is waiting for me to realize. No, I don't think that I am supposed to make rash decisions and go move into an abandoned house and adopt orphans, but I do think its time I make some sacrifices in my life. Even still, they won't be sacrifices...because I have given my life to the glory of Him. My life is not my own, and I fully accept that. I am happy for that!
"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." James 1:27
So, He asks us to visit orphans and widows in their distress. He never says when, He never says the order in which we are supposed to do things. "Finish college, then act on the Holy Spirit's leading." I feel this is the mentality that I am often encountering. Somehow, we have to finish our checklist before we can begin our Lord's. Perhaps this is what was meant by "unstained by the world" as well. Maybe instead of always assuming the world's sin and chaos causes staining, it could also mean the world's standards and expectations of ourselves.
I let go of the brake and coasted further into the road, turning right, and leaving the house behind. Just then, the bells from the nearby church began ringing bright and cheery through the air, through the rubbish of this city, and this world. A sign of hope, of renewal, and of grace.
Lady in Waiting
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So, I've started a blog. I'm not sure yet if I like this decision. Something about typing this out and making this official makes me nervous. I know that everyone says something to this effect, but I feel as though I should christen this blog with a sincere, moving, and spiritually riveting morsel of truth. It seems that I cannot put into words what my heart feels, I am at a loss. But, a woman named Ruth Myers has put into words what makes my heart liven. Don't worry, the rest of this blog will represent my own thoughts, but I wanted to start out with an excellent example of how my heart longs to express itself-in a way that I could not have possibly put into words. So, here it is...and hello to a brand new blog cyber space.
~Lady in Waiting
"Lord, I am Yours. Whatever the cost may be, may Your will be done in my life. I realize I'm not here on earth to do my own thing, or to seek my own fulfillment or my own glory. I'm not here to indulge my desires, to increase my possessions, to impress people, to be popular, to prove I'm somebody important, or to promote myself. I'm not here ever to be relevant or successful by human standards. I'm here to please You.
I offer myself to You, for You are worth. All that I am or hope to be, I owe to You. I'm Yours by creation, and every day I receive from You life and breath and all things. And I'm Yours because You bought me, and the price You paid was the precious blood of Christ. You alone, the Triune God, are worthy to be my Lord and Master. I yield to You, my gracious and glorious heavenly Father; to the Lord Jesus who loved me and gave Himself for me; to the Holy Spirit and His gracious influence and empowering.
All that I am and all that I have I give to You. I give You and rebellion in me, which resists doing Your will. I give You my pride and self-dependence, which tell me I can do Your will in my own power if I try hard enough. I give You my fears, which tell me I'll never be able to do Your will in some areas of my life. I consent to let You energize me...to create within me, moment by moment, both the desire and the power to do Your will.
I give You my body and each of its members...my entire inner being: my mind, my emotional life, my will...my loved ones...my marriage or my hopes for marriage...my abilities and gifts...my strengths and weaknesses...my health...my status (high or low)...my possessions...my past, my present, and my future...when and how I'll go Home.
I'm here to love You, to obey You, to glorify You. O my Beloved, may I be a joy to You!"
~Lady in Waiting
"Lord, I am Yours. Whatever the cost may be, may Your will be done in my life. I realize I'm not here on earth to do my own thing, or to seek my own fulfillment or my own glory. I'm not here to indulge my desires, to increase my possessions, to impress people, to be popular, to prove I'm somebody important, or to promote myself. I'm not here ever to be relevant or successful by human standards. I'm here to please You.
I offer myself to You, for You are worth. All that I am or hope to be, I owe to You. I'm Yours by creation, and every day I receive from You life and breath and all things. And I'm Yours because You bought me, and the price You paid was the precious blood of Christ. You alone, the Triune God, are worthy to be my Lord and Master. I yield to You, my gracious and glorious heavenly Father; to the Lord Jesus who loved me and gave Himself for me; to the Holy Spirit and His gracious influence and empowering.
All that I am and all that I have I give to You. I give You and rebellion in me, which resists doing Your will. I give You my pride and self-dependence, which tell me I can do Your will in my own power if I try hard enough. I give You my fears, which tell me I'll never be able to do Your will in some areas of my life. I consent to let You energize me...to create within me, moment by moment, both the desire and the power to do Your will.
I give You my body and each of its members...my entire inner being: my mind, my emotional life, my will...my loved ones...my marriage or my hopes for marriage...my abilities and gifts...my strengths and weaknesses...my health...my status (high or low)...my possessions...my past, my present, and my future...when and how I'll go Home.
I'm here to love You, to obey You, to glorify You. O my Beloved, may I be a joy to You!"
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