Tonight I looked down at my list. Ten things are on this list. Three things are scratched off. At the top is "must do today" with empty little circles extending below that establish where each task begins. The paper is creamy colored -- little violets crowning the top. One corner of the paper is severely bent --a representation of my habit of folding and refolding paper in my hands when I am busy or anxious. At the tip-top there is the edge of tea-cup stain from this morning's accidental slosh. Over to the side, I have written Matthew 11:30.
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I have been learning a lot about myself lately, namely, my weaknesses and areas in which I need Jesus like I have never felt before. I have always needed God, certainly. But sometimes feeling it brings it closer to home. Feeling the weight of my inadequacy and sinfulness is pretty exhausting. It is not meant to be exhausting and debilitating. The God in Matthew is the same today; He calls me to take on his yoke, his burden, which is easier and lighter than I currently carry. "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest."
Why does Jesus use ideas like burdens and weariness so often in scripture? Because he knows; He was man and he knows the human struggle.
This morning, I was driving down 81, passing my Alma Mater, and wishing that I didn't have to struggle so much. Wishing that I could just finally get it right and not feel at war with my flesh.
I passed by an empty field. It was hushed with fog and the slits of morning sunlight made it look alluring and tranquil. It looked like that scene from the newest Pride and Prejudice where Mr. Darcy strides across the field, his purposeful steps breaking through the ascending fog and brisk wind. Immediately after that déjà vu moment, I thought "that's probably what Eden looked like."
Eden is what my soul was made for. Eden was the environment my flesh was made to thrive in. And so of course I will struggle on earth. Of course I will never get it right. The Bible came after Eden. God's words and love and guidance and empathy came after humanity destroyed our opportunity to live in the environment He created us for.
And I like this idea, because it is so logical. I just wish the circumstances were easier to endure.
This whole idea, that of my not needing to feel hopeless because I struggle, connects with the concept of shame that I have been mulling over. Recent conversations and audio-book listening have brought to my attention that so many of my mistakes and emotions derive from my self-inflicted experience of shame.
I am not my mistakes. I am not my emotions. I am not my failures.
I am, however, the product of humanity's decision to reject God.
I am, however, the recipient of God's grace and love and forgiveness.
I am, in result, a woman learning what it looks like to live out this inconvenient paradox: life as a human with sin and weaknesses and all the while being a child of God who has been redeemed from all such things.
And so, He says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. He knows mine are too heavy. He knows I can't survive such weight.
He is providing a way of escape, of existence with his help and love and empathy.
So maybe my lists reflect an anxious heart because they are bent on the edge. Maybe I won't get those last seven items crossed off and maybe I will be tempted to belittle my adequacy at my job and at life. Maybe all of those things will happen.
But I can bring it to him. I can take off my burdens, and take from him a new burden that I am able to withstand. He can carry it for me. He can carry me.
So, tomorrow is supposed to be a delicious seventy-something with little chance of rain. Tomorrow will bring new challenges and new lists. But tonight I have chosen to repent and give it over. Tomorrow I will drive with the windows down and thank him for his help and bless my students with the same understanding and structure and strength that I have been given. Tonight I choose, quite logically, to live out this beautifully challenging life using the tool he has given me--himself.
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